Post Graduation: The Journey I Didn't Expect

When I graduated, I had big dreams. I pictured myself designing emotes, building websites, and launching my creative career with excitement and purpose. But life had other plans—and the path I ended up walking was not the one I imagined.

My very first logo client was an experience I’ll never forget… because I got fired.

Let’s talk about that.

As someone who hyper fixates on projects, I threw myself into the work. I didn’t count the hours (over 60, easily), and I didn’t have the proper paperwork or business experience. I was honest—I told my client I was new to this. I asked questions, but not the right ones. Still, I pushed through and poured everything into that logo, including four hours on a Zoom call perfecting the design.

Then came the pause. There were storms in my client’s area, and we left the project for a few weeks. When we picked it back up, he accused me of changing the design. I hadn’t touched a thing. The conversation ended with him hanging up on me. Payment was discussed but sent in the wrong currency—another painful lesson in not having proper contracts in place.

The whole thing left me shaken. I stopped everything creative. I needed space. And then, life intervened.

My grandma got sick, and I became her caregiver up until her heart surgery. That period was my first brush with nearly losing someone I love. Navigating those emotions was intense, and healing from that experience took time.

In the Twitch world, I learned even more hard lessons. I discovered that having shared interests doesn’t always mean real friendship. I experienced betrayal in a deeply personal way—someone I cared about faked a suicide, not for help, but to manipulate. It broke my heart.

Joining a stream team felt like an honor at first… until it started to feel like a popularity contest. I struggled with self-worth. I often feel like I don’t belong, and this experience only intensified that.

Then, just before the anniversary of my mom’s passing, tragedy hit again—my biological father died in a freak accident. We learned he wasn’t going to make it on the same day as my mom’s anniversary. That coincidence wrecked me. And layered on top of the grief was guilt: guilt over the jokes I used to make about him, the names I called him, the way I minimized his presence in my life. Those words now echo in my mind with a sting I wasn’t prepared for.

I realized a lot of that pain came from shame. Shame for growing up in poverty. Shame around my chronic illness that sometimes makes walking impossible. Shame that I’ve carried for far too long.

This past year I learned that I’ve lived for everyone else. And somewhere in all of that, I lost myself.

Now, I’m working on a set of emotes for another streamer—a small, grateful step back into creativity. It hasn’t been easy. I’m still battling self-doubt and imposter syndrome. But I’m trying.

Health-wise, I had a scare recently—doctors thought I might have multiple sclerosis. Flare-ups have increased, and though I try to keep smiling, it’s been hard. Thankfully, test results ruled MS out, and my doctor believes the symptoms are long-term effects from chemo. I’m on new medication that helps with nerve pain, but my body still hurts. Simple things like grocery shopping or driving exhaust me. But I keep pushing because I know I need to keep moving.

Streaming has been my lifeline. I’ve found a circle of streamers who keep things real and are genuinely supportive. I wish I could meet them in person. Last year, I was even nominated for the Friendo Year Endo Award—a beautiful honor, even if I didn’t win. It reminded me how much love there is in this space, even when it sometimes feels like a popularity contest.

As for Keannalilly, I’m not quite sure where it’s headed. I had big plans—fairy outfits, whimsical vibes—but right now, I just don’t have the energy to dress up. And that’s okay. I’m giving myself permission to take things slow.

This journey has been far from perfect. But it’s mine. And I’m learning to own every part of it.